Wednesday, May 27, 2009

An affair to remember

Saturday evenings usually beckon very casual gettogethers.People turn up all dressed up and with evening plesantries floating around along with the lip smacking snacks complemented by the inebriating spirits.These evenings usually have all the ingredients to make it a very congenial affair.The men flock the bar and small todlings try to invent new games to keep busy. In this utterly 'casual' affair there is a very complicated clandestine operation going on.Complicated because men will neverunderstand it,clandestine because they never get a clue its happening there,right in front of their very eyes.
Lets call it 'The adventures of the fairer sex'.Deeply engaged in registering what her counterparts are donning, whether it fits the occasion or has it been an absolute fashion catastrophe for this wonderful evening and simultganeouslysmiling sheepishly deep down inside because of the 'thought' that she herself has turned up in the most splendid attire adorned with just the right amount of ornaments.Not an earing less not a necklace more. Ultimately When she is unequivocally convinced that no other in the gathering is remotely nearing the beauty she is emanating today,then does she finally take herfirst breath. Dont be fooled by the nonchalance in her step,every step is precisely calcualted to the scale of millimeters.A bit more than what she's planned and she just might tumble , as she knows being a female is backbreaking not only on the count bringingpeople on earth but also sporting footwear which duly entitles her to a nobel prize in suffering (if there was one) Best partis she'll accept it gladly , after all the 3 inches added to her height are pricesless.
Getting pangs of temporary amnesia ,she forgets the hours(being very conservative here) spent in front of the mirror at home , getting hypnotized by the wooden door which reads 'LADIES'.Sometimes I do wonder that may be this is the biggest conspiracyon planet Earth and that the entire male population has been kept unaware of something mystical that is inside thatroom.Another fifteen minutes and an ego boost later they actually do come out.(Proof that god does exist).
Now commences the part which she doesnt really fancy because the figure flaunting and the new dress in your face phase is over.Oh yes,this is the part where she supposedly mingles around with the lesser mortals. The accent with the oodles of perfume scent is flowing,the fake smile is tiring the corners of her lips and the greets with upping her flawlessly made eyebrows have a silent "damn dint want too see you" message attached.Very few words delicately chosen are spoken(thank you almighty),and the other garrulous ones,umm..err(oops ,ive always filtered them out)lets just say speak.
Then the formality begins,u know the part when she is supposed to put a few morsels of food in her mouth,inviting theo-my-god-ure-dieting-hehe's leaving her with an itch to yell "hey bitch youve left out the no wonder its showing part!!" Anyhow after downing exactly 14 gms of food and giving a cold shoulder to the awaiting dessert the evening finally ends.That is for us who have descended from mars.For the fragile one from venus ,the show still has the finale left.Another selfappeasing session in front of the mirror.The last pose,the last smile and the last walk.A lifetime is then spent washing awayall the colours(they call it make up) that had been applied initially after taking an equally painstaking amount of time in the first place..Finally she puts herself to rest dreaming about the flawlessly wonderful show she had put up a few hours before.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The art of swearing

Sports incorporate one of the most amusing arts apart from the sport itself.That art has come to be known as sledging.When it comes to cricket, most of us think that sledging has come to the scene onlyrecently.But since time immemorial these skills have been practiced,honed and then pratised some more.Obviously sledging inthe good ole days was light hearted banter which bordered more on the lines of 'oi..look a truck can get through that (the defence)'or 'hey theres a bit of crap on your bat today'...which evolved to become very vicious expressions like questioning the illicit relationships the other persons mother might have had with other men.Some could retort back , some couldnt and some just lettheir cricket do all the talking.Well , here i have compiled some of the best sledges and in some cases very fitting replieswhich are now etched permanently in the memory of cricket fans all around the world.
o Rod Marsh & Ian Botham - When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" . Botham replied wifes fine but the kids are retarted
o Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne - As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

o Robin Smith & Merv Hughes - During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't fucking bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary - "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."

o Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad - During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

o Merv Hughes & Viv Richards - During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fuck off."

o Glenn McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan - "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath lost it: "If you ever mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out." A supreme example of cricketers not being able to take what they dish out.But mc Grath can be cut sum slack as his wife was suffering from cancer that time.

o Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
o Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock - After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

o Fred Trueman - While bowling the batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother," he replied.

o And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment that was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!!!"

Now this one is my personal favourite :D

o Glenn McGrath asked Eddo Brandes how come he was so fat. Brandes replied "because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".

o The batsman on guard had a short temper and the slips were giving him the needle.After he had played and missed for the third time in the over one of the slips said just loudly enogh..."Yeah his wife was telling me in the shower this morning that he has been off his stroke in the bedroom too"The Batsman erupted and rushed the slip waving his bat and turning the air blue. It took a few miniutes for order to be restored!

o Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond coming out to bat in an Ashes match: “Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.” Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.”

o In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played HansieCronje's province. Cronje was at the non-strikers end. There was a chubby batsman on strike. Ian Healy yelled to the bowler "Bowl a Mars Bar half waydown.We'll get him stumped." The Aussies and Cronje were all in hysterics. The batsman retorted: "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be on to itbefore I can move."
Talk about a sledge coming back and biting you on the ass.Heres one

o Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comesto the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember youfrom a couple years ago in Australia. You were then, you're fu*kinguseless now".Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were goingout with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb cunt".

Sadly sledging can also sometimes cross the line:Aparently after Chris Cairns' sister was killed in a train crash in New Zealand, the next time AUS v NZL, when Cairns came out to bat the Australian slip cordon, lead by Mark Waugh made train noises to Cairns.

[The authenticity of this one is disputed as some say a journalist made it up and was denied by cairns himself...but some claim it was the australian crowd]

watever it was, was pretty low.
Anyways thats all i've got guys.Hope you had fun.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Oh crap!!

Have you ever wondered the bestest[not a word,just emphasizing the gravity of the situation] ideas have struck you when u are umm...answering to the natures call.If you agree with me only then should you bother to read ahead and if you dont then I feel sorry for you, as any microscopic chances of you ending up having the intellect and ideas of elite ones on the other side of this argument,well are simply gone.I offer with deep regret my condolences.
  For those who are still hanging on,Im sorry to break it to you that I do not have any coherent reasoning or any references from any of the outlandish  studies that take place(for eg.studies show fat women enjoy sex 47.5 % more than slim ones,so the next time you see a female gorging on chocolate you know what shes upto...ludicrous eh?) to expound this unexlpained ,but 
true phenomena.I mean how else could a person with a I.Q 60 (me) solve the most complex problems invloving a pulley,a few weights(all different mind u),a car,a man and certain other quantities he could'nt even fully fathom what they actually meant.But bam i s(h)at down and one after another they all came out,the answers I mean.Also im a very slow reader,it takes me 
a complete era to read the newspaper.Till yesterday I thought Mr Vajpayee as still our prime Minister, but then I saw light.I started reading the newspaper u know where and i manage to finish it till the food in body decides its had enough of it.
   And as for my path defining,life changing and shackle breaking idea all I can do is sit here(on the porcelain) just like all of us [united we stand err.. sit]  and wait for that one day when I will come up with it.Till then keep s(h)itting [I really fancy this (h) :D ]

Thursday, May 14, 2009

from his' to yos'

With chatting taking up a major chunk of a no-good-bum life's time like mine(din intend it to rhyme ,oops i did it again :p) I was thinking of how many assorted greetings one has to offer.Here goes...

Hi:The im-such-a-good-boy/girl greet.Has taken over from hello in a grandiose way.

Hello:May be if ur a purist or If you repudiate the fondling  going on with  the english language presently,this one is for you.

Helloz/Hellos : This is what the cool wannabes are upto.I fail to comprehend who would consider adding a 'z' or a 's'after a word and then all at once feel this is cool.But I decided to give it a chance, I thought may be i for once am on the other side of this so called generation gap and there must be some cogent logic behing the added s.As googled it up and i was redirected to,hence , i decided to put my case to rest.

Wassup:With the snoop doggy doggs to the eminems,With the butt crack exposures to the cleavage flashes , also permeated into our 'unstained' culture the wassups,not very surprisingly, from uncle sams motherland.Its essentailly 'what is up??' hammered at both the front and the posterior to make it a short cool slang making the cool sound cooler!!

sup:Well being cooler just din suffice with sms lingo taking over the
computer lingo.So the 'was' was struck out from wassup to make the coolest greet..sup man!!!

Yo:Well this is for the extra terrestrials from far off heavenly objects,like pluto et' al.
You know theyre cooler than the coolest ;)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I Went to play a little basketball today,theres this sports complex  just around the corner, here where I stay.Its a pay and play facility.U know with our country men humping at a rate that might make rabbits suffer a  severe inferiority complex,there are bound to be certain scarcities,land ,one of the most acceptable amongst them.The connotation of this fact 
is ,because we Indians are the cheapest bastards on earth,courtesy:russel peters,(I do subscribe to his views),we want everything fuckin free,so when it comes to shelling out money for a petty thing such as sports only a few do it.
The general physce of Indians is that playing sports(except the world's favourite sport ;) ) is for dim witted morons who do not intend to become a part of this elite indian educated class(read engineer or doctor) and all they want to do is , what we frivolously call "awaragardi". Anyways,i hope i drove the "only those who are either well off or want to make a career in sports (read cricket...why? ill come to that later ..have some patience) will pay for it" point home.
    So as I went in,I was startled to say the least.It was shocking,only one poor soul trying to put his spalding into the hoop,only one tennis court out of four had two aspiring federers or may be a nadal(one was left handed) striking the ball aimlessly.The story continued as i entered the comleptely vacant badminton court and on to the tt tables which too shared almost the same fate.
    I dint have to go anywhere near the cricket ground to get a glimpse of the future superstars. From a metaphorical mile I could see a bevy ranging from small todlings to tall lanky lads all dressed in white .Three simultaneous mathches were going on , with fielders constantly getting flumoxxed about which of the three red round entities were they supposed to follow.
I might sound like a pussy here but i was scared for those kids.What if one was looking at a certain round entity and the other one decided to knock him out cold.Scary aint it?? Ok ok back to sanity.What irked me was that Why was this happening , even  though cricket is a sport which lingers very precariously on the edge of well not being termed as one.Which other sport 
can accomodate superhuman athletes like laxman,ganguly,munaf patel and anil kumble in the same formation and still win games.It beats me when i think some of the greatest names(read warne,hughes,ranatunga) in this game have basically been overweight cunts(not my words,ian healy addressed ranatunga with these two words...:)[Groans invited but suck it up,u know it 
I mean unless you are bowling[pace] or batting, you are merely standing like a dumbfuck in a green patch for close to four hours or  even worse if you are unlucky enough to be a part of a test match ,for may be days altogether.
p.s: This fact doesnt, at the least deter me from loving the game.In by blood.Im Indian.Cliche' eh??
You must be by now saying ya ya ,we know its a blog about the same ole shyte, giving a whole tirade about what the indian govt has or has not done to promote the other sports which have  time and again  been treated like an illegitimate child of the same father.So I save you the trouble of reading through what would basically be a vent to blow off my steam .
All what i ask is just give it a thought!!

Monday, May 4, 2009

The cricket pundits..Really

Last time I blogged i eneded up ranting about the quality of commentators these days.More so the Indian lot,barring the god of commentators , the revred Mr Bhogle.That leaves us with the two most prominent Jackasses on the screen today, Mr shastri and Mr gavaskar.Well being biased is one thing and trying to do a phd in ass licking completely another. For years altogether now , they have been going on and on and on, all gung ho about the asesome foursome sourav,sachin,dravid and the very very special laxman [reallly???]. I mean enough is enough!! We know you like them, but expressing your homosexual feelings for them on national television is clearly not on!!There is another team playing too,wonder you have a word of praise for them too??
Evolve,reinvent,think and speak are some things which seem completelety alien to these genlemen.With he deep sighs Mr Shastri takes on screen, it seems he is panting for breath after a session of self mollification.See the IPL,him raising his voice at the toss to supposedly make the
atmosphere 'electrifying' leaves him with no clue how lame he sounds.
        The other day I was privilidged to get to see the highlights of one of Sachin's innings back in 1996 in Sharjah (etched in our memories isnt it:D), when he single handedly obliterated the aussies,making two consecutive mammoth hundreds, a collosal effort by a tiny genius .Well guess what??Who was there to poop the party ?The pooper himself,Mr Shastri.Mumbling the same rants he chants today,the same,indistinguishable pieces of unintelligible speeches which can fit into any setting.
A few Quotes:
This period of play is very important.....Is it??

The key to the game is to string a patnership here...Well when wasnt it??

[49th over]..One gets the feeling hes gonna cut loose here...Oh i thought otherwise..

A single after a six/four...Intelligent cricket,verrrrry intelligent,following a six with a single......Screw you Mr,the ball wasnt there to be hit else he would have hit it again

    These inane remarks get on to my nerves.Facts which even a fith grader would assimilate.Havnt once these two morons given us any analysis or for that matter an expert opinion for which they are warming their arses there.
      If these two are in one league,there is a man,whom we dont get to see much of nowadays may be because he's been hung by his balls by the taliban(at least that is what i pray for) , yes you guessed it right Mr Ramiz Raza.Well if these two are awe-inspiring ass lickers beating jenna jameson at it , i sure can vouch for the fact that mr raza can give the best blow job in the history of cricket . I mean what else can one say when a person is such an extereme partisan that if he had his way, every time  Aloo hit the ball to the boundary he would run up
,pull his pants down and then do what he does best.Believe you me , im not exaggerating here.

Enough said , but i feel its time for our sorry asss commentators to rethink what they speak,even if they want to keep holloring the same cliches over and over again, at least revamp them.So , Most honoured sirs , if you cannot even do that i solemnly put forward my words in the most
suave manner possible:'Please' FUCK OFF!!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Whats going on with everyone here in the land of snake charmers or rather the slumdogs now(bad citizen :P) apart from the dance of demo'crazy' i.e elections? What has had the unbashed success kicking the sorry arses of the hallowed saas bahu tortoutous 2 hour dramas,well no dimes for guessing, its the brainchild of Mr Lalit Modi(another Jackass) IPL. Why i keep calling him that is simply beyond my comprehension,he's simply one of those creatures whom u just set your sight on and you feel like dropping a telling blow.If all of you can not correlate then i must humbly request a 'my bad' but i can site an example to put foward case .Appam Chutiya :D
a aa Yep now i see a bleak smile on all your faces ,with ghastly nightmares of Mr.Sree flashing in front of your eyes dancing like a maniac who would do anything to get a speck of your attention and all you want to do is pull him out of the 15" CRT or your new L.C.D and slap him at a rate unheard of. Ok enough trying to force my minds upon you.Well its time to reveal my lil secret .I too am a big IPL fan, rooting for saadi dilli.As the daredevilry continues with a few blips every now and then I feel delhi have got their combination a wee bit wrong .I mean playing A.B over Warner(all due respect to AB's 105*) is  beyond me.Plus Mc  Grath cooling his heels..hmm...some food for thought.Also delhi is too gung ho about their batting line up which i feel wouldnt have won them one match had it not been the heroics of the unlikely Dilshan.Enough expert comments from my side,but with chargers and punjab looking good,and the late surge of the challengers its anyones game as for now.
  The highlight of this second edition of craziness for me has undoubtedly been the fakeiplplayer.
Boy the names he addresses players with, this guy for sure got his priorities wrong and should take to writing full time.His wit and caustic humour has me in absolute splits.Name calling is what has never been before and a small peek a boo into the "colourful" life of the cricketers also has my eyes sparkling green with envy.
To sign off I really dont know what prompted me to write this blog,may be my utter dislike for mr modi or my love for the delhi daredevils or may be,just may be listening to the utter gibberish of some commentators(read ravi shastri,sunil gavaskar) who've had the same things to say for years altogether now just swaping the names of the players, i feel i have a better picture to present :D .
    And as i do not have the credentials of neither Mr Sunny nor  Mr Shastri who still  makes it a point to score with his willow(read:below) to compensate for his cricketing day failures with the willow(Fakeipl player fans gimme  a nod here :p) so the best medium of venting out my fanboy rants was indeed this.
                                                Asta la vista