Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Lets call it 'The adventures of the fairer sex'.Deeply engaged in registering what her counterparts are donning, whether it fits the occasion or has it been an absolute fashion catastrophe for this wonderful evening and simultganeouslysmiling sheepishly deep down inside because of the 'thought' that she herself has turned up in the most splendid attire adorned with just the right amount of ornaments.Not an earing less not a necklace more. Ultimately When she is unequivocally convinced that no other in the gathering is remotely nearing the beauty she is emanating today,then does she finally take herfirst breath. Dont be fooled by the nonchalance in her step,every step is precisely calcualted to the scale of millimeters.A bit more than what she's planned and she just might tumble , as she knows being a female is backbreaking not only on the count bringingpeople on earth but also sporting footwear which duly entitles her to a nobel prize in suffering (if there was one) Best partis she'll accept it gladly , after all the 3 inches added to her height are pricesless.
Getting pangs of temporary amnesia ,she forgets the hours(being very conservative here) spent in front of the mirror at home , getting hypnotized by the wooden door which reads 'LADIES'.Sometimes I do wonder that may be this is the biggest conspiracyon planet Earth and that the entire male population has been kept unaware of something mystical that is inside thatroom.Another fifteen minutes and an ego boost later they actually do come out.(Proof that god does exist).
Now commences the part which she doesnt really fancy because the figure flaunting and the new dress in your face phase is over.Oh yes,this is the part where she supposedly mingles around with the lesser mortals. The accent with the oodles of perfume scent is flowing,the fake smile is tiring the corners of her lips and the greets with upping her flawlessly made eyebrows have a silent "damn dint want too see you" message attached.Very few words delicately chosen are spoken(thank you almighty),and the other garrulous ones,umm..err(oops ,ive always filtered them out)lets just say speak.
Then the formality begins,u know the part when she is supposed to put a few morsels of food in her mouth,inviting theo-my-god-ure-dieting-hehe's leaving her with an itch to yell "hey bitch youve left out the no wonder its showing part!!" Anyhow after downing exactly 14 gms of food and giving a cold shoulder to the awaiting dessert the evening finally ends.That is for us who have descended from mars.For the fragile one from venus ,the show still has the finale left.Another selfappeasing session in front of the mirror.The last pose,the last smile and the last walk.A lifetime is then spent washing awayall the colours(they call it make up) that had been applied initially after taking an equally painstaking amount of time in the first place..Finally she puts herself to rest dreaming about the flawlessly wonderful show she had put up a few hours before.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sports incorporate one of the most amusing arts apart from the sport itself.That art has come to be known as sledging.When it comes to cricket, most of us think that sledging has come to the scene onlyrecently.But since time immemorial these skills have been practiced,honed and then pratised some more.Obviously sledging inthe good ole days was light hearted banter which bordered more on the lines of 'oi..look a truck can get through that (the defence)'or 'hey theres a bit of crap on your bat today'...which evolved to become very vicious expressions like questioning the illicit relationships the other persons mother might have had with other men.Some could retort back , some couldnt and some just lettheir cricket do all the talking.Well , here i have compiled some of the best sledges and in some cases very fitting replieswhich are now etched permanently in the memory of cricket fans all around the world.
o Rod Marsh & Ian Botham - When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" . Botham replied wifes fine but the kids are retarted
o Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne - As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
o Robin Smith & Merv Hughes - During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't fucking bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary - "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."
o Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad - During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
o Merv Hughes & Viv Richards - During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fuck off."
o Glenn McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan - "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath lost it: "If you ever mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out." A supreme example of cricketers not being able to take what they dish out.But mc Grath can be cut sum slack as his wife was suffering from cancer that time.
o Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
o Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock - After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."
o Fred Trueman - While bowling the batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother," he replied.
o And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment that was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!!!"
Now this one is my personal favourite :D
o Glenn McGrath asked Eddo Brandes how come he was so fat. Brandes replied "because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".
o The batsman on guard had a short temper and the slips were giving him the needle.After he had played and missed for the third time in the over one of the slips said just loudly enogh..."Yeah his wife was telling me in the shower this morning that he has been off his stroke in the bedroom too"The Batsman erupted and rushed the slip waving his bat and turning the air blue. It took a few miniutes for order to be restored!
o Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond coming out to bat in an Ashes match: “Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.” Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.”
o In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played HansieCronje's province. Cronje was at the non-strikers end. There was a chubby batsman on strike. Ian Healy yelled to the bowler "Bowl a Mars Bar half waydown.We'll get him stumped." The Aussies and Cronje were all in hysterics. The batsman retorted: "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be on to itbefore I can move."
Talk about a sledge coming back and biting you on the ass.Heres one
o Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comesto the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember youfrom a couple years ago in Australia. You were then, you're fu*kinguseless now".Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were goingout with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb cunt".
Sadly sledging can also sometimes cross the line:Aparently after Chris Cairns' sister was killed in a train crash in New Zealand, the next time AUS v NZL, when Cairns came out to bat the Australian slip cordon, lead by Mark Waugh made train noises to Cairns.
[The authenticity of this one is disputed as some say a journalist made it up and was denied by cairns himself...but some claim it was the australian crowd]
watever it was, was pretty low.
Anyways thats all i've got guys.Hope you had fun.