Excerpts from the book- Cricket till I die

The Inception Of The Dream-

“Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready

to pay the price to make them come true.”

– Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens

A sudden impulse enveloped me as I saw myself taking a

U turn, driving on the wrong side of the lane and entering

the confines of a massive gate. The top of the entrance

supported a semicircular board which read ‘Mohan Meakins

Cricket Club’ in a worn out shade of black, from which layers

of chipped paint hung loosely; ready to drop any moment

and the board at its creakiest best just waiting to give way to

a strong gush of a Delhi thunderstorm.

As I parked my bike on one corner, an old man exemplifying

the age old Indian phrase of ‘one foot in the grave’ confronted

me. He was the guard, as his attire suggested, a timeworn man

in his late sixties it seemed, who could ward off, let alone a

crook or a thief, not even a small puppy dog. In a season that

would fall definitely under the type ‘summers’, he somehow

still managed to sport a flimsy sweater, bespeaking once

again of his age.

“Can’t you read ‘No Parking’,” he grumbled as I saw the

back of his throat through the massive cavities in his mouth

attributed to the last few teeth left dangling by his gums,

which were as fragile as the board at the gate.

I looked around as I saw a parking sign, hung upside down,

lifelessly on a single hinge and I parked my bike in that area.

The quietness of the ground felt really comforting when

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contrasted with the hustle filled traffic I was a part of just

moments back.

A small concrete, two room excuse for an office blocked the

parking locale from the main ground. I entered the ground,

crossing the corridor which had a stench as if it hadn’t had

the opportunity to be cleaned for months now. The lush

green ground wasn’t as lush green now as I observed a group

of young boys practicing in the nets as a man, considerably

older than the lot, seemed to be shouting after every small

period of play, seemingly with a lot of suggestions mixed

generously with profanities.

After observing for some good fifteen minutes from a distance

close enough to get a good hang of all the abuses the old

man used, the man, whom I figured would be the coach,

sighted me.

“What are you looking at?? Why are you late?” He asked

shouting at the top of his voice.

Taken aback, after a moment of being at a complete loss as

to what to do, I walked towards him to help him clarify any

misgivings he might have fostered as he squinted hard to

identify any recognisable features on my face.

“Oh!! My damned eyes!! I am sorry”, he said once I was

close enough to him, as he seemed to suffer from some long

distance face recognition issues.

“But anyways, who the hell are you?” He asked.

“Nothing, Sir!! I mean no one! I was just watching,” I said.

“You don’t frikking play??” He asked

“I do sir.” I found myself saying.

“Oye Rakesh asshole. Give him the pads and the helmet, you

dumbfuck, let’s see if he has the balls; you seem to have left

back home today”, he said as he looked seemingly frustrated

by something Rakesh had done.

There are times when you just can’t say no and then there

are times when you don’t want to. This, I do not know, fell

in which category but dressed in a jeans and a shirt I found

myself padding up. With a major disconnect between my

mind and my actions, things seemed to be taking on their

own course, rather than waiting for my mind to give out any

signals for the same.

As I faced the bowler, who was a mild medium pacer, I

defended, drove, pulled and cut with equal poise as the cries

and yells from the coach subsided with each shot I played.

The bowler who had, till now, been tormenting the previous

batsman, now was subjected to the choicest of abuses

The Delhi Daredevils Debacle

It is sad to see a bunch of supremely talented cricketers bow out so meekly to a clearly weaker bunch of contemporaries, the story of yesterdays DD vs DC match. DD being the better lot (my personal opinion explaining which would entail a whole post in itself) here, comprising of Sehwag ,Dilshan,Warner,Gambhir,Collingwood which I believe is evidently the second strongest batting line up in the IPL after royal challengers(KP ,Kallis,Taylor,white,uthappa,dravid) and a bowling attack that is much better than DC, should have clinched the match with a paltry 145 to chase but failed miserably.
What clearly lacked, was the discipline in batting and if we dig deeper the root cause was the flawed team selection. Discipline is a word which one usually does not associate with Mr sehwag,dilshan and warner, which in turn also makes them uncanny match winners but when these three gentlemen make your opening three the risk you are subjecting yourself to is way too high. These three have the same style of play, and on a given day all three can obliterate the opposition, but their style of play also makes them very vulnerable to early dismissals too. What this does is that it increases the probability of both exceptional/disastrous starts thus subjecting the team to the two extremes of the performance spectrum. This season’s DD team failure was a perfect example of the importance of a balanced team. You can have at max one or two Sehwag’s in a team and a gamut of batsmen with different style’s of play to balance the team.
In a nutshell, the Delhi team took a risk too many by playing all three together (even after seeing the potential consequences in the previous two matches) and with them in the worst of forms, what was feared actually happened, thus leading to the downfall of one of the mammoths of the IPL.

Roy oh Roy

It beats me!!It does..How god sent talent is wasted,wasted in the intoxication of the inebriating
spirits. Have a look at the likes of jesse ryder,hershelle
gibbs,the master shane warne,they exude talent.Gibbs is a
national level soccer player and symonds aspired to play rugby for australia and the word is he is pretty good at it too.
Not so much of a natural athlete when it comes to warnie,but boy when u can do wat he does by hopping three steps,i swear by almighty,i want to be that way.
Then you have the diligent,who take years honing their game but still, may be,will never match that flowing drive,that ripping leg break.They have to work with whatever little they have.Have a look at anil kumble[with all due respect i can muster in this lifetime],aptly named jumbo,he cannot turn the ball ,so be it,but his untiring,in your face attitude has made him what he is today.A legend , but not the one who will conjure up magic to make me to see the same delivery over and over again with the same unfazed dumbfounded gaze every single time, which i till date do when i have a look at the warnie to gatting delivery.
Juxtapose him with poor ole roy,if talent were the sole criterion he would make the list to the top five without batting an eyelid.Throws a caution to the winds and candy to our eyes when bats,can give the cherry a rip,can bowl medium pace and few are better when it comes to both fielding inside the 30 yards or at the boundary throwing rockets at the wicketkeeper.
But as they say men were not made equal.If talent oozes out,the discipline might wobble.I can never , nor do i think anyone else can explicate this theory.But ryder will keep chugging his fizzed barley syrup , symonds will keep showing the finger to the axioms that define cricket mannersims and warnie will keep scandalizing us with his sexcapades.These are some things which come in packages.Take it or leave it.Well i take it,with both hands open.After all its the bad boys who make the good boys look good ;)

The art of swearing

Sports incorporate one of the most amusing arts apart from the sport itself.That art has come to be known as sledging.When it comes to cricket, most of us think that sledging has come to the scene onlyrecently.But since time immemorial these skills have been practiced,honed and then pratised some more.Obviously sledging inthe good ole days was light hearted banter which bordered more on the lines of 'oi..look a truck can get through that (the defence)'or 'hey theres a bit of crap on your bat today'...which evolved to become very vicious expressions like questioning the illicit relationships the other persons mother might have had with other men.Some could retort back , some couldnt and some just lettheir cricket do all the talking.Well , here i have compiled some of the best sledges and in some cases very fitting replieswhich are now etched permanently in the memory of cricket fans all around the world.
o Rod Marsh & Ian Botham - When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" . Botham replied wifes fine but the kids are retarted
o Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne - As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

o Robin Smith & Merv Hughes - During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't fucking bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary - "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."

o Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad - During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

o Merv Hughes & Viv Richards - During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fuck off."

o Glenn McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan - "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath lost it: "If you ever mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out." A supreme example of cricketers not being able to take what they dish out.But mc Grath can be cut sum slack as his wife was suffering from cancer that time.

o Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
o Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock - After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

o Fred Trueman - While bowling the batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother," he replied.

o And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment that was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!!!"

Now this one is my personal favourite :D

o Glenn McGrath asked Eddo Brandes how come he was so fat. Brandes replied "because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".

o The batsman on guard had a short temper and the slips were giving him the needle.After he had played and missed for the third time in the over one of the slips said just loudly enogh..."Yeah his wife was telling me in the shower this morning that he has been off his stroke in the bedroom too"The Batsman erupted and rushed the slip waving his bat and turning the air blue. It took a few miniutes for order to be restored!

o Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond coming out to bat in an Ashes match: “Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.” Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.”

o In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played HansieCronje's province. Cronje was at the non-strikers end. There was a chubby batsman on strike. Ian Healy yelled to the bowler "Bowl a Mars Bar half waydown.We'll get him stumped." The Aussies and Cronje were all in hysterics. The batsman retorted: "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be on to itbefore I can move."
Talk about a sledge coming back and biting you on the ass.Heres one

o Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comesto the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember youfrom a couple years ago in Australia. You were then, you're fu*kinguseless now".Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were goingout with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb cunt".

Sadly sledging can also sometimes cross the line:Aparently after Chris Cairns' sister was killed in a train crash in New Zealand, the next time AUS v NZL, when Cairns came out to bat the Australian slip cordon, lead by Mark Waugh made train noises to Cairns.

[The authenticity of this one is disputed as some say a journalist made it up and was denied by cairns himself...but some claim it was the australian crowd]

watever it was, was pretty low.
Anyways thats all i've got guys.Hope you had fun.

sports=cricket???

I Went to play a little basketball today,theres this sports complex  just around the corner, here where I stay.Its a pay and play facility.U know with our country men humping at a rate that might make rabbits suffer a  severe inferiority complex,there are bound to be certain scarcities,land ,one of the most acceptable amongst them.The connotation of this fact 

is ,because we Indians are the cheapest bastards on earth,courtesy:russel peters,(I do subscribe to his views),we want everything fuckin free,so when it comes to shelling out money for a petty thing such as sports only a few do it.

The general physce of Indians is that playing sports(except the world's favourite sport ;) ) is for dim witted morons who do not intend to become a part of this elite indian educated class(read engineer or doctor) and all they want to do is , what we frivolously call "awaragardi". Anyways,i hope i drove the "only those who are either well off or want to make a career in sports (read cricket...why? ill come to that later ..have some patience) will pay for it" point home.

    So as I went in,I was startled to say the least.It was shocking,only one poor soul trying to put his spalding into the hoop,only one tennis court out of four had two aspiring federers or may be a nadal(one was left handed) striking the ball aimlessly.The story continued as i entered the comleptely vacant badminton court and on to the tt tables which too shared almost the same fate.

    I dint have to go anywhere near the cricket ground to get a glimpse of the future superstars. From a metaphorical mile I could see a bevy ranging from small todlings to tall lanky lads all dressed in white .Three simultaneous mathches were going on , with fielders constantly getting flumoxxed about which of the three red round entities were they supposed to follow.

I might sound like a pussy here but i was scared for those kids.What if one was looking at a certain round entity and the other one decided to knock him out cold.Scary aint it?? Ok ok back to sanity.What irked me was that Why was this happening , even  though cricket is a sport which lingers very precariously on the edge of well not being termed as one.Which other sport 

can accomodate superhuman athletes like laxman,ganguly,munaf patel and anil kumble in the same formation and still win games.It beats me when i think some of the greatest names(read warne,hughes,ranatunga) in this game have basically been overweight cunts(not my words,ian healy addressed ranatunga with these two words...:)[Groans invited but suck it up,u know it 

too!!!]

I mean unless you are bowling[pace] or batting, you are merely standing like a dumbfuck in a green patch for close to four hours or  even worse if you are unlucky enough to be a part of a test match ,for may be days altogether.

p.s: This fact doesnt, at the least deter me from loving the game.In by blood.Im Indian.Cliche' eh??

You must be by now saying ya ya ,we know its a blog about the same ole shyte, giving a whole tirade about what the indian govt has or has not done to promote the other sports which have  time and again  been treated like an illegitimate child of the same father.So I save you the trouble of reading through what would basically be a vent to blow off my steam .

All what i ask is just give it a thought!!

The cricket pundits..Really

Last time I blogged i eneded up ranting about the quality of commentators these days.More so the Indian lot,barring the god of commentators , the revred Mr Bhogle.That leaves us with the two most prominent Jackasses on the screen today, Mr shastri and Mr gavaskar.Well being biased is one thing and trying to do a phd in ass licking completely another. For years altogether now , they have been going on and on and on, all gung ho about the asesome foursome sourav,sachin,dravid and the very very special laxman [reallly???]. I mean enough is enough!! We know you like them, but expressing your homosexual feelings for them on national television is clearly not on!!There is another team playing too,wonder you have a word of praise for them too??

Evolve,reinvent,think and speak are some things which seem completelety alien to these genlemen.With he deep sighs Mr Shastri takes on screen, it seems he is panting for breath after a session of self mollification.See the IPL,him raising his voice at the toss to supposedly make the

atmosphere 'electrifying' leaves him with no clue how lame he sounds.

        The other day I was privilidged to get to see the highlights of one of Sachin's innings back in 1996 in Sharjah (etched in our memories isnt it:D), when he single handedly obliterated the aussies,making two consecutive mammoth hundreds, a collosal effort by a tiny genius .Well guess what??Who was there to poop the party ?The pooper himself,Mr Shastri.Mumbling the same rants he chants today,the same,indistinguishable pieces of unintelligible speeches which can fit into any setting.

A few Quotes:

This period of play is very important.....Is it??

The key to the game is to string a patnership here...Well when wasnt it??

[49th over]..One gets the feeling hes gonna cut loose here...Oh i thought otherwise..

A single after a six/four...Intelligent cricket,verrrrry intelligent,following a six with a single......Screw you Mr,the ball wasnt there to be hit else he would have hit it again

    These inane remarks get on to my nerves.Facts which even a fith grader would assimilate.Havnt once these two morons given us any analysis or for that matter an expert opinion for which they are warming their arses there.

      If these two are in one league,there is a man,whom we dont get to see much of nowadays may be because he's been hung by his balls by the taliban(at least that is what i pray for) , yes you guessed it right Mr Ramiz Raza.Well if these two are awe-inspiring ass lickers beating jenna jameson at it , i sure can vouch for the fact that mr raza can give the best blow job in the history of cricket . I mean what else can one say when a person is such an extereme partisan that if he had his way, every time  Aloo hit the ball to the boundary he would run up

,pull his pants down and then do what he does best.Believe you me , im not exaggerating here.

Enough said , but i feel its time for our sorry asss commentators to rethink what they speak,even if they want to keep holloring the same cliches over and over again, at least revamp them.So , Most honoured sirs , if you cannot even do that i solemnly put forward my words in the most

suave manner possible:'Please' FUCK OFF!!

IPL

Whats going on with everyone here in the land of snake charmers or rather the slumdogs now(bad citizen :P) apart from the dance of demo'crazy' i.e elections? What has had the unbashed success kicking the sorry arses of the hallowed saas bahu tortoutous 2 hour dramas,well no dimes for guessing, its the brainchild of Mr Lalit Modi(another Jackass) IPL. Why i keep calling him that is simply beyond my comprehension,he's simply one of those creatures whom u just set your sight on and you feel like dropping a telling blow.If all of you can not correlate then i must humbly request a 'my bad' but i can site an example to put foward case .Appam Chutiya :D

a aa Yep now i see a bleak smile on all your faces ,with ghastly nightmares of Mr.Sree flashing in front of your eyes dancing like a maniac who would do anything to get a speck of your attention and all you want to do is pull him out of the 15" CRT or your new L.C.D and slap him at a rate unheard of. Ok enough trying to force my minds upon you.Well its time to reveal my lil secret .I too am a big IPL fan, rooting for saadi dilli.As the daredevilry continues with a few blips every now and then I feel delhi have got their combination a wee bit wrong .I mean playing A.B over Warner(all due respect to AB's 105*) is  beyond me.Plus Mc  Grath cooling his heels..hmm...some food for thought.Also delhi is too gung ho about their batting line up which i feel wouldnt have won them one match had it not been the heroics of the unlikely Dilshan.Enough expert comments from my side,but with chargers and punjab looking good,and the late surge of the challengers its anyones game as for now.

  The highlight of this second edition of craziness for me has undoubtedly been the fakeiplplayer.

Boy the names he addresses players with, this guy for sure got his priorities wrong and should take to writing full time.His wit and caustic humour has me in absolute splits.Name calling is what has never been before and a small peek a boo into the "colourful" life of the cricketers also has my eyes sparkling green with envy.

To sign off I really dont know what prompted me to write this blog,may be my utter dislike for mr modi or my love for the delhi daredevils or may be,just may be listening to the utter gibberish of some commentators(read ravi shastri,sunil gavaskar) who've had the same things to say for years altogether now just swaping the names of the players, i feel i have a better picture to present :D .

    And as i do not have the credentials of neither Mr Sunny nor  Mr Shastri who still  makes it a point to score with his willow(read:below) to compensate for his cricketing day failures with the willow(Fakeipl player fans gimme  a nod here :p) so the best medium of venting out my fanboy rants was indeed this.

                                                Asta la vista